elliptically challenged

I recently started working out again. We bought an elliptical months and months ago and I have had a love/hate relationship with it ever since. Although, I guess I'll be honest and say it's been mostly hate on my end. Here's the thing. I adore working out and being healthy and in shape. I've experienced what it's like to be in fantastic shape, and it's a glorious feeling.

The problem is not my desire to exercise. The problem is that my body has inner conflict in a big way. As in, my heart does not communicate productively with the rest of my body. Most of you (maybe) know that I have a something called Atrial Tachycardia. You can read a little bit about it here. I think my heart behaves the way a child does. Kids can be doing completely normal things, and then burst out running or screaming or wailing that they're dying at the drop of a hat. Most of the time, there's no real reason for it, and they probably don't foresee their own outbursts before they happen. They just go with what feels right in the moment. My heart is a child that cannot be tamed. Except with medication. Yikes. I don't know how this turned into a post about medicating hyperactive children. I have nothing to contribute to that discussion.

At any rate, I'm on medication that makes my heart chill the hell out so I'm not walking to my car and have a heart rate of 150 and feel like I'm going to pass out. That part is great. The bad part is that it makes doing anything where my heart rate should be higher really difficult. Like exercise. My heart rate is slowed so much that when I get cranking on my elliptical (with no elevation or resistance whatsoever, mind you), my heart doesn't pump fast enough to give my muscles and brain the oxygen they're wheezing for. Which gives me an enormous headache and results in 15-minute workouts that leave me exhausted. Lame.

This little dance has had me down in the dumps since July, when I found out my second heart procedure didn't work and that my Atrial Tachycardia may be a part of my life for good. My visions of marathons and hiking trips and walking up a flight of stairs without needing an oxygen tank seemed pretty impossible. Although, I suppose I could always invest in a stair lift. I've been really discouraged, and the last thing I've wanted to do is exercise.

But, I'm done having a pity party, and I'm done with "impossible." I'm not aiming for a marathon. Right now, I'm aiming for a half mile, a non-stop 30 minutes on the elliptical and a 20-minute bike ride with my husband. Once I meet those goals, we'll go from there. I loathe being someone who can't do what everyone else can do. I hate that I have to work so hard to do things that normal people don't have to think about, and I hate that I may never be able to some of the things I've dreamed about doing. But here I am, and I'm going to take myself to the extent of my ability. Help me. Don't let me quit!

Knowing the reason why things are hard really makes all the trying much easier. When I was growing up, I never understood why I couldn't do things that other kids could do. I didn't understand why I always came in DEAD LAST at track meets, and I felt like I would never make my long-distance-runner dad proud. (Which was crazy, I know.) It was really hard not to think that I was just not good enough or not trying hard enough or just not able. When I found out my complete lack of talent wasn't entirely to blame, it was a little relieving. Having a diagnosis is tangible, albeit still hard to hear. I've decided that my current complete lack of confidence won't be the thing that holds me back now. The only things that will hold me back are the things I can't control. Blam. It's happening. Wish me luck!

Comments

  1. OH MY DARLING...I HAVE LEARNED TO LOVE LIFE AS IT IS YOU SEE OUR LIFE AS ALREADY BEEN DECIDED BY OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST HE ONLY KNOWS WHAT IS TO BE FOR EACH ONE OF US FROM BIRTH TILL WE DIE..LEARN TO TAKE EACH DAY AS IT COMES AND ASK GOD TO GUIDE YOU AND BE WITH YOU AND SHOW HIS PRESENCE IN EVERYTHING YOU DO IN YOUR LIFE...BE STRONG OF FAITH AND ONLY EXPECT OF YOURSELF WHAT YOU WOULD EXPECT FOR SOMEONE ELSE...YOU WILL OVERCOME AND LEARN TO BE THANKFUL BECAUSE THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE THAT IS WORSE THAN U...I LOVE U SWEATY...XOXO

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  2. skip the cardio and go straight to strength training and old fashioned calisthenics. i've seen more results doing that than parking my ass on the treadmill or elliptical for an hour. :) boasting side note: i can do 2 pull ups. maybe even more with a gun to my head. i didn't usta could do any.

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  3. You are so hard core, Sarah. I can do 1 pull up - if I jump.

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